I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize