i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The uberlube is also flammable
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
