she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
