Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
