I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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