TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Sober January is a disaster.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
