a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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