just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
