you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
