we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
