tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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