Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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