My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
