You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
