No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
