im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
