Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
