WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize