I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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