You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
wanna go halves on a baby?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I need to calm my uterus...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize