does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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