So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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