what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Alive.
So much puke
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
