You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
