Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
