Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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