i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
