Joe is yelling at the trees again.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
