I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize