I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
