hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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