He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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