why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
