i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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