I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
