i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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