Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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