Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
