I'm going to jail i love you
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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