I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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