Are my feet made of real feet?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
