I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
