Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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