At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
