I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
you made out with another girl for some wings
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
