so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
