We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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