apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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