I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
