I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
