Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
