My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
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