My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you had me at cake vodka
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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