My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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