I think my vagina is haunted
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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