I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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