I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
