please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
