I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
