I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
