Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize