Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
