I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
4 words: hood of his car
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
