Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
