You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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