I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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